Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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