I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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