please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
