So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
