dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
