come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
