I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
