Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This is my life. Enjoy the view
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm determined to sit on that face.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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