i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
