She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
