I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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