so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
