Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
