so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
