you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
