So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
