It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
