I'm gonna have a badass scar
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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