I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
