If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
