My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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