I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
porn star boner night. come get it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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