Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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