Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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