Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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