im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
