Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
