Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
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Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
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I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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