the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Someone shattered a urinal.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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