just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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