life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
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I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
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I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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