All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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