the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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