mondays should just be called national damage control day
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
