There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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