I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
