Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
being pregnant is like rehab
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
