I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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