I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
