fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
