Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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