You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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