I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
