i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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