All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
