I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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