yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
