you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
