The maid of honor just puked.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
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Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
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I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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