just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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