I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
