I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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