I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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