meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
