if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
