I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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