Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
